Thursday, August 14, 2014

Getting out of that funk

While I have my shit days once every couple of months, I am very thankful that they are not longer lasting.  I have a few days of feeling blue and then I am able to pull myself out with some reflection on the issue, a bit of writing, confiding in friends, and quiet time.   Am I depressed?  I don't really think so.  Do I have anxiety?  Yeah, I think so.  Maybe some body dysmorphic disorder?   

Sometimes I wonder if medications would help, but I really don't think I am at that point.  I think I need more help in techniques to help me realize my bad days, what leads to them, and how to work through them without eating or lashing out at others.  I need to work on having more self confidence.  Trusting that I am loved by those around me.  Feeling strong in my role as a mother, wife, and friend.

I took time with just my family on the weekend.  I caught up on sleep.  Then I came home and got to work in my garden and my kitchen.  Keeping myself busy with my kids and around the house really does wonders for my mental health and general outlook on life.

So over the last few days the boys and I have picked raspberries and made jam.  I have tended to my garden and put up a number of jars of homemade pasta sauce.  We have gone for walks and played board games.  Watched a movie with my husband.  And baked a heap of stuff for a Farmer's Market.  I feel good.

My garden and greenhouse are awesome.

I have now canned 15 cups of pasta sauce.

Gardening really is good for the soul

Some of the bread for a bake sale.

Baking and canning really does relieve stress for me!

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Brutally Hard

Again, over this last week it hit me how much emotional turmoil is left in the wake of extreme weight loss.  And it is brutally hard.  So brutally hard that I was bawling my eyes out in my friend's truck.

The six feet of scars I have from my reconstructive skin surgery are nothing in comparison to the emotional scars I have from a lifetime of obesity. 

The stares. 
The hurtful comments. 
Being left out.
Being left behind.
Children pointing and laughing.
Adults pointing and laughing.

Those emotional scars have left in their wake a woman with feelings of very little self worth, very little self esteem, and very little self confidence. 

Not really how I pictured myself nearly three years out of having weight loss surgery.  I dreamt I would feel amazing, not just physically but emotionally.  But I am just not there yet.

I have my up weeks and then my down days.  Thankfully my up time lasts a lot longer than my down, but that down time is absolutely exhausting.  Is this just normal?  Does everyone experience this? 

I am still learning how to deal with my emotions without eating.  I am not used to feeling these ups and downs and I really don't know how to deal with them.  I would rather just binge eat instead of feeling those bleak moments.  The emotions overwhelm me and I don't know what to do.  I retreat inwards, shut down, feel lost and alone.

It is hard not having anyone to talk to in person who understands what I am experiencing.  I have friends online that I can talk to who have had dramatic weight loss, and many of them are going through the same experiences.  At least I know I am not alone.

Getting in some quiet time; trying to recharge after a hard week.

The Call of the Fall

Driving home to Faro this weekend I noticed the leaves have already started turning yellow and you know what that means!


Yes, my favorite time of the year is nearly here and I am just a wee bit giddy about it.  We have a few more family camping/hunting trips planned through the rest of August and then into September.  This year we will be spending October in Cape Breton visiting family and friends, so I need to cram all my fall activities into the next seven weeks.

Summer is coming to an end, and boy was it ever a great one.  This last week was hectic with the boys in day camps in Whitehorse, but it ended with our family out camping at Twin Lakes and that was the relaxation that I was needing to recharge.  The kids loved their camps and I enjoyed my time with a few other Faro mum's and lots of kid-free shopping!  Both boys are already talking about what sort of camps they would like to attend next year. 

Canada Games Centre FUN-damentals Camp.  Hockey, soccer, swimming, and even tennis!

Equinox Adventure Camp!  I think Hunter loved the bus more than anything else!

Happy family at Twin Lakes!

This mama needed some book time.

Zombie crib!

Exhausted kids.  Not even the light on for me to read (fall is definitely here now that I need to turn on a lamp in the camper to read) woke them.

We kayaked out to a secret island!

Kayaking with my wild child.

What a summer.